silence in death

2006-08-10T14:59:00.000+08:00

move yer ass kid!

- "expectation" by gustav klimt

must improve on my rendering skills. and drawing too. my plates looks like a kids drawing compared to my other classmates. damn! why are book so iffing expensive these days??? i miss those days my grandmum constantly going on a book spree for me. sigh. these days i have to hang around powerbooks. its become my library haven. and ive been taking pictures with my handy dandy phone. okay,okay. i know i shouldnt do such thing but i cant shell out 5,000 buck instantly. plus i need different kinds of books. thats why when i start earning moolah im going to start investing on these books. so much for that. lately my stomach has been acting funny. its been a week today and im happy that the pain has subsided. still it aint fun since i cant drink coffee,softdrinks or juice for awhile. chocolates too. darn! at least its not ulcer(i hope!) i still dont know what caused it. well i dont care anyways. i just wanna eat normally again. back to the books for this kitty. must study for professional ethics. thank god my teacher focuses on comprehension then memorization. the freaking republic acts are kinda tedious to memorize. and im getting hungry too.=)

ps. daddy sent some money. finally! ill be able to replace my ishuffle that got destroyed. maybe get a haircut too. i wonder,will i look good with bangs???

2006-08-08T14:21:00.000+08:00

"IMAGINATION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN INTELLIGENCE" - Albert Einstein

im in looooooooveee with this guy!!! your a god in your own world!!! i am STARK raving mad! philippe stark your a genuis! if i were to be reincarnated id love to have your brains! hehehhe.. as a future interior designer i worship the ground this guy walks on. he not only designs interiors,architectures and furnitures his into clothes,stuff for the kitchen,etc. i need his brain now since i'll be designing furnitures that are made out of hi-tech materials. glass,plastic,metal or cardboard. ugh! not easy considering everything has to follow the stict rule of form and function. plus my brains making excuses whenever i make an emergency conference every so often. cooperation is a must. grrrr! working with myself has proven to be challenging. stubborn by nature,but i guess i'll get around it. smile smile. BTW:To the entire human bitching race i am exasperated! people please don't underestimate us. our work is not limited to fixing and beautifying your personal spaces at home. we do everything that's inside an architecture or a building. yes,even hospitals! and yes we are involve during construction. heck,we even have to go back and forth the jobsites. except renovations we are as important as engineers and architectures. we too have licensure exams and are held liable for the designs we make. so there. i'm demand respect for our community. so before you toss us aside as useless do try to know and ask about our work. people often make mistakes about my job description and im infuriated. so please forgive this lil' kitty. i hate being belittled by now-it-all's. if you know what i mean. thank god this lil' kitty has found her a new kitty. he's the only kitty i know who love the water.heheheh.=) if you get my drift. he keeps me me sane this days. well,must have an emergency meeting with myself now. no time to be lax.

please visit this site: http://www.philippe-starck.com/

2006-06-05T14:48:00.000+08:00

pouring ones frustrations

into an overflowing glass

needing time,hating time

spending it on useless and frivilous things

is tiring..

everything flows in a slow-fast forward motion

like an never-ending echo

not knowing when to stop and to catch up

gets me lost and confused

in this moment all i can say and feel

is FUCK!!!

2005-11-10T12:56:00.000+08:00

Dreamer

thank god they finally edited the freaking lito camo song.. waaahhh!! i swear if i hear it again i'll go mad. finally Vempire has decided to update his blog. Wahooooo!! Me excited!!!=[ hehehe. speaking of blogs,the past few months ago i recently found my "long-lost" diary. yep! i used to keep one. i really thought i lost it only to find it in the back of my drawer. tsk tsk. i must admit im a scatterbrain. ive got tons of papper and stuff that i don't throw away. like my papers in literature. if i liked the poem in a test paper i keep em. i guess during the break i should start throwing stuff away. again. anyway,back to the dairy. it may not have been filled up with my entries,but it contained some of my poems. these poems are important to me. im sure alot of you who do write understand. i dont have the gift of writing that other people have so i just can't come up with one. like drawing,i have to be "inspired" or i have to "feel like" making one. i must admit i envy those who are born with the gift of writing. that they can express themselves freely. to capture momments and feelings in words. to convey it it with such passion. words are powerful if you use them properly. im sure that once in your life anyone, a teacher,a friend or a stranger said his or her opinion on something that you could "feel" through what they were trying to convey. that you goosebumps and felt exhiliration run through your body. i've always wanted to evoke that emotion from people. make them feel what i feel. im sure for any writer that is the greatest reward that they can receive. having people understand and appreciate what they do. so hats off to them. hell i know how tough it is. that's why there's such thing as a frustrated artist right?
_____________________________________________________________________________________

BIRTH

ink blots
words take form
trying to transcend
trying to reach out
with a moving pen
a desperate attempt
a desperate plea
pain etched in every line
screams scorching the virgin paper
time and stillness merge
into an unforgiving dance
as light is lured into eternal darkness
and souls die..
_____________________________________________________________________________________

You are Smoke and Mirrors! You are idealistic,
unpredictable, and hypnotic. People might think
youre a show-off and have a need to be
surprising, but really youre just talkative and
get carried away with some subjects. You might
easily get jealous or feel lonely if something
is going wrong in your life. You probably like
fantasy, fiction and things that can
temporarily take you away from the world. You
have a great sense of humor and are enthralling
to be around.

*~Which Neil Gaiman book are you?~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Member of the Endless Are You?

You are most like Death of the Endless. Humanity's
attitude toward Deaths gift is strange. They
fear the sunless lands. It is as natural to
die as it is to be born. But they fear her.
Dread her. Feebly they try to placate her.
They do not love her.

Which of the Endless are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

You should invite Dream, the tortured, brooding
Sandman, to dinner. If you do, you're in for
one of the most interesting converstations of
your life, but be careful not to piss him off.
He can get a bit...touchy.

Which of the Endless Should You Invite to Dinner?
brought to you by Quizilla

border="0" alt="Crucify">
"Why do we Crucify ourselves?" This is a
question you often ask yourself, for you are
"Crucify". Your submissive
personality often allows others to hurt, use,
mistreat, or take advantage of you. And while
many may say you have a penchant for hurting
yourself, it's not your fault. Underneath your
indecisive personality lies a person wanting to
take charge of their life. It is a feat that
can be accomplished, for you have all the
makings of a great leader: humility, a sense of
justice, and strong empathy. You only need to
learn how to take charge. Using discretion is
good, but not when it hinders your own personal
happiness.

Which song from Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-11-04T00:51:00.000+08:00

Post Modern

bird.. cigarettes.. pond.. frozen.. bitch.. germany.. foodtrip.. pasta.. paracetamol.. biodegradable.. moon.. beach.. runaway naked.. funny.. crap.. anime.. otaku.. hermaphrodite.. breasts.. lolita.. hair.. braids.. shoe store.. megamall.. books.. neil gaiman.. death.. woman.. bitch.. ribbon.. radio.. ipod.. jelly spagetti.. mascot dancing.. giraffe.. stripes.. black and white.. emily rose.. wanna watch movie..

2005-03-31T20:07:00.000+08:00

life is scary. its scares me because we are so stuck to making it so perfect. and making it look perfect makes us look like we accomplished something. that we have made something out of it. making a meaning out of life is another thing. finding contentment and happiness in it is hard. always fleeting. i often wonder to myself why i cant remember it. in details. how often i wish i could bottle this momements and memories so that when life gets dark and confusing we can open this "bottles" and make ourselves feel better. sometimes maybe to kid ourselves that life is beautiful. i have often felt that i always try to kid myself. hopelessness. emptiness. loneliness. i have this need to be needed. to want people to perceive me as a person. a special person. to be kept. to be loved. maybe in those moments i felt that. that's why i want to remember that. the world is hard and difficult place to live in. a society which suffocates us. drives us into insanity. and the funny thing is that its us who make up this society. its stupidity. its like placing yourself into a lifetime imprisonment sentence without any reason. without any crime. we are humans after all..

2005-03-31T20:06:00.000+08:00

"I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless…. I am haunted… with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all…. Others say, "It's only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but of course they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do. If I can't feel, move, think or care, then what on earth is the point?"

i have tried so many times to try and define death. but to do so i have to understand it and embrace it. it is a part of the life cycle of all living creatures. i dont know if it understands me. sometimes i feel it does. it knows me so well calling me constantly. i will not try to hide it. i have often though of succumbing to it, of embracing it. people tell me its stupid. i'm stupid to ever think of it. i always tell them i am too weak. too weak for it. i am still scared about the thought of it. i still try to make everything look optimistic. but i know it is growing inside of me. it haunts me. i am drawn to it. the darkness and beauty it holds enchants me. to accept it. i am part of its world. not yet. not yet.

its hard to see someone easily give himself up to it. time and time again. numb. torturing oneself. its hard. i want to know. to give myself freely. to save and understand it. i am tired. nothing seems to to be right. nothing i do is right. i cry. i am weak and soon enough become strong to accept him.

i scream covered in dirt and blood.
and she comes to comfort me.

2005-03-31T20:05:00.000+08:00

i have often thought about my life and wonder if it is making any sense at all.. somehow i am always compelled to do something wonderful or fabulous with it. but then, becoming somebody doesnt make you somebody at all. even the brightest actors and actresses can attest to that. maybe i just want to be able to grasp life. to enjoy it and love it without any hesitation. in this confusion i lean on one person for my strength. comfort is neccessary for one to get through life. especially when you feel that you have just reached the dead end..

2004-11-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

waaaaahhhhhhh!!!! my head aches! too much homework!!! grrrrrrr!!!! thank g@# i finished my stuff on time.. i also got to download songs.. but unfortunately i can't save it in the mp3 playerrr!!! aaarrrrrggghhhh!! i'm so sorry nephalim..=( k@#$!! do you have any idea how to fix this problem?! anyway, i found some of my stuff which i made during my highschool years.. i find the topics interesting even if its in filipino.. and to think i made it in 10 minutes or less.. and my pathetic poem, which is in english.. hehehe.. enjoy.. and don't forget to tell me about it..

Buhay ng Kasinungalingan

Madami sila sa paligid natin. Nakatawa o di kaya tumatawa. “Center of attention” palagi sa grupo at “self-proclaimed” na buhay ng kahit anong party na pinupuntahan. Masaya at walang problema. Isa sa mga “in”at “popular” sa iskuwelahan. Araw-araw ay makikita siya na kasama ang kanyang mga barkada. Araw-araw ay nagbibigay kulay siya sa kanilang buhay. Ang kanyang mga kuwento at tsismis ang pinaka-latest. Lalong-lalo na pagtungkol sa kanya. Sa kanyang mga kuwento ay na huhuli niya ang ating atensyon at kiliti.

Ngunit habang tumatagal ang kanyang mga masugid na tagapakinig ay lumalayo o umiiwas. Hanggang sa natitira na siyang nag-iisa tuwing breaktime. Hindi mo mapigilang maawa sa kanya. Sa kanyang mga kilos ay makikita ang bigat ng problema na kanyang dinadala. Sa mga mata niya ay mababakas ang lungkot ng pag-iisa. Kung titingnan mo ay waring isang paro-parong di makakasakit ng kahit na anong tao. Pero alam mo ang kanyang ginawa. Ang paglinlang niya sa mga taong tinatawag na kaibigan. Ang katulad niya ay madalas mong makakasalubong at nagiging kaibigan. Naloko ka na rin niya. Sabi ng iba ay babae daw ang anyong kinukuha niya. Pero puwede din naman maging lalaki ito. Pangkaraniwan naman ang hitsura nito at di masasabi ang kanyang pagkakaiba sa mga tao. Dumarating sa buhay mo upang magbigay saya, kulay at pagkakaibigan. Ngunit ang kanyang sakit ay parang isang droga. Isang addiksyon na di niya mababago o matatanggal sa kanyang sistema. At dahil dito sa pangangailangan niya ng kasama at karamay sa buhay ay nagagawa niya ito. Ang kanyang pinakakinatatakutan ay ang pag-iisa at ang matinding lungkot na dala nito. Kaawa-awang nilalang. Dahil sa rason na iyon ay siya rin ang rason ng kanyang pag-iisa ngayon.

Ulan at Luha

Malakas ang patak ng ulan sa lupa ngayong araw na ito. Sa ibang tao ay magandang balita sapagkat para sa kanila ito ay panahon na magsaya at maligo sa ilalaim ng ulan. Pero sa akin ito ay di isang araw na mahiwaga o masaya kundi isang araw ng hirap at sakit. Dahil sa nakagisnan ko na ang maulanan sa panahon ng mga bagyo ay di na ito panibago sa akin. Nung isang araw lamang ay sinusumpa ko ang araw at ang dala nito na sobrang init ngunit kung kelan umuulan ay pinagdarasal ko na magpakita ito at magbigay init ulit.

Pagkagaya mo ako lahat ng panahon ay sinusumpa mo. Ngayon ay sinusumpa ko ang ulan sapagkat nakakasira siya sa paghahanapbuhay ko. Ang mga diyaryo na dapat ko maibenta ngayon ay basa na. Naisip ko tuloy si ina. Ang kaawang-awa kung ina na nasa bahay at may sakit. Ang kita ko ngayong araw na ito ay pupunta sa pambili ng gamot niya at ang matitira ay para sa pagkain ng aking mga kapatid. Hindi ko kayang umuwi ng walang pera. Hindi ko kayang makitang malungkot ang aking mga kapatid at nahihirapan si nanay. Nanikip ang aking lalamunan at namuo ang luha sa aking mga mata. Bakit di kami tulungan ng Diyos? Bakit wala siyang ginagawa para tulungan kami? Hindi ba niya nakikita ang sakit at hirap na nararanasan namin? Bakit? Gusto ko nang isumpa ang Diyos kung minsan. Gusto ko siyang puntahan at sabihin ang lahat ng galit na nararamdaman ko. Wala naman siyang kuwenta. Nagalit si nanay ng sinabi ko ito sa kanya. Ang sabi pa niya sa akin ay, "Jose, anak. Huwag kang mag-isip ng ganyan. Hindi tayo iniiwan ng Diyos. Nandiyan siya sa tabi natin palagi at balang araw ay matatamo natin ang kaginhawaan sa buhay. Dahil ang Diyos ay di natutulog. " Gusto kung sagutin si nanay nun ngunit ayaw kung magalit sa akin dahil sa nanghihina ito sa sakit niya. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ganun si nanay. Hindi ko lubusan maisip kung bakit mabuti ang Diyos para sa kanya. Sa totoo lang hindi na ako naniniwala sa Diyos. Para sa akin hindi na siya nabubuhay dahil wala naman siya naitutulong sa amin kahit anong dasal ng akin ina. Kung sana ay ipinanganak akong mayaman hindi sana ako nandito sa gitna ng kalye at naglalakad sa kalagitnaan ng baha. Siguro ay nasa bahay ako ngayon nag-aalmusal at nagpapahinga katulad ng mga ibang bata dahil walang pasok nanaman ngayon. At mag-eenjoy ako sa kapapanood ng T.V. dahil bawal maglaro sa labas. Masarap ang maging walong taong gulang kung ipinanganak kang mayaman. Ngunit sa kasawiang palad ako ay naging parte ng mahirap na pamilya.

Namatay kasi si tatay noong limang taong gulang pa lamang ako kung kaya't si nanay na ang nagsisikap upang masoportahan kaming tatlong magkakapatid. Pero ngayon na nagkasakit si nanay ay ako na ang maghahanapbuhay dahil sa ako ang paganay at ako ngayon ang sinasandalan nila. Si Ana at si Josie ang naiwan sa bahay at nag-aalaga ngayon kay nanay. Kawawa naman sila at sa kanila ko naipinasa ang pagaalaga kay nanay at ang bahay. Dapat umuwi ako ng may pera para mapawi ang lungkot at pagod sa mga mata nila. Hindi ko kayang makita silang malungkot ulit. Dapat hindi ko sila mabigo ulit ngayon. Lumakas na lalo ang ulan at nanginginig na ang katawan ko sa lamig. Tama na ang oras ng pagpapahinga kailangan ko na maghanapbuhay para sa pamilya ko. Masakit na ang katawan ko ngunit kailangan ko ng kumilos. Sana ay merong taong may malasakit sa akin at bumili ng paninda ko. Sana makita nila ang mga luhang dumadaloy na nahahaluan ng malakas na patak ng ulan. Sana ay makita nila ang hirap na nararanasan ko at pakinggan ng Diyos ang mga hinaing ko. Sana marinig niya ako ngayon.

MONSTERS
IN
THE
NIGHT
I lie awake tonight
The darkness plays with my head
Scary monsters become alive
When my senses work overtime

Out of the darkness two floating orbs
Look straight at me,
I recoil against the dead planks of wood as my body stiffens
As they moved closer towards me

Ears hearing nothing but the loud thud of my heart against my chest
I close my eyes to shut its face out of my mind
I feel its warm breath on my skin
As it starts to tread over me.

Time has froze to watch my doom
Mercilessly it sheath its long daggers upon my chest
Preparing my as its night’s meal
Its nose press against my neck
In such curious interest

In my mind I utter my last request
Let him kill his meal before he starts to feast
With that I hold my breath waiting for its next move

And then

I hear

it gives

a confused sound
‘meowrr??’

these are some of the entries in my tabulas.. just wanted to move them here.. heheheh..

ME

i look at the faces of the people i know.. read their letters and messages.. somehow i know,im look for myself.. its so hard to look for your true self.. you leave them with people.. in little tiny pieces or chips, of who you are.. i myself live in their memories.. sad to say that's the easies but not best way to preserve yourself.. just the practical way.. self-projectiom all the time.. you want to be remembered? society says,do something genius or great.. contribute to the general knowledge of society for the betterment of the world.. for progress.. how frustrating,isn't it? not everyone is born a einstein or sigmund freud.. piece of advice, don't strain yourself.. just be yourself.. its better to remembered by your friends and relatives than no one remembering you at all.. but then again, its hard to love yourself,without being too narcissistic and pessimistic.. can't blame anyone here.. i hate myself sometimes...

Bitterness

in silence
i am alone

in silence
i disappear

in silence
i weep

in silence
i rage

in silence
i scream

in silence
i know pain

in silence
i am comforted

in silence
i become numb

in silence
in silence alone,
should i be feared..